when it begin

 It start when I decided to sign that paper. The chaos continuously occur to my life. Feeling regret, sorry, lamenting ,blaming, sorrow, named it and I take it. Sometimes  I imagine my self were not  me. When I was in middle school, I always dreamed and fancied that I had another parents, the real one, they would approached and bring me out from my own parents, and had declare that I was their daughter, who switch with another child, and apparently they were a extremely  rich. so that  I would be rich too.  Unfortunately  my slumber real Parents never  come up, and I still lived in poor. Unsurprisingly people who know me well, would describe me as dreamer. Honestly  I am very enjoying myself when I make scene of another life about me in my Head. It is like I  don't need real person, real society, only me and people in my head. Now I am in 30 years old, I indeed realize that I am nothing. Truly nothing, not have job, not have house, not have money. I even want to cry now. 

I don't know when it happen, the fardel take over  my life.  The story began when my company, which I worked in send me a firing  state. It happen because I got TB disease, and they would not take a risk for someone like me, who apparently nothing, to keep it up. finally I sign the paper, since that time I am officially jobless. After few month not working, and no calling from any company, who I sent my resume. I decide to go to my parents home. I studied hard for civil servant test, which I failed. 

One time as I did nothing at my parent home, I sat on chair and thought about my childhood, then  I remembered a time, when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, after school I went adventure  to people's backward house and searched for recycling trash and secondhand Stuffs, I would collect them in my gunny, at the end of week when my Gunny was full  I carried them to  Junk shop, and they payed me for a or two thousand rupiah, that the first time I made my own money.  Around 3rd grade I had another way to earn my own money. At the times there was a big of palm oil Industry at my village, they also has their own Farm, which only 1 km from my house. So after school I and my friends went there and quietly pluck the palm fruit and Put them in a big black plastic.  We had to be very careful, so the security would not catch us. When the days went dark we got out from the fam and we hold on the big plastic, which around ten kilogram, to our head. I was quite happy, even though it was very exhausted and tiresome, because I make more money than I was trash collector. 

One time I went in alone without any friends, I keep my big black plastic inside my Pocket, so the security would not suspicious about me. Somehow he caught me anyway,  how can he not suspect me, a little girl wander in big palm oil Farm without guardian. He  approached me and query me why I there alon, and he inquire me about my family, my parents and what my parents do. I smoothly and plainly answer his questions, then at the end he also told me about his family, about his son, which had same age as me,  and because of that he did let me go and advice me nicely to back home and  never came there again, he threaten me, if I would have approach  next time, whether  I wanted or not, he would have send me to prison. Since that moment I stopped. 

But I did not stop to make my own money. So, the palm oil industry arranged a brilliant method to cope the palm waste, one of waste was called solid  palm waste or empty fruit bunches (EFB), they manage the waste wisely and put the EFB on the side of the palm tree, they piled up them into big, tidy line. Somehow few weeks later, edible mushroom, called straw paddy mushroom,  growth in it, and the mushroom growth more when the weather is good within a good humidity. It will happen when the weather start a tropic  transition season. 

Here was my new way to earn money took place, everyday before and after school,  I hunted paddy Mushroom in the palm oil farm. I went with my mother, my sister or my friends. when I finished hunt, I brought many mushroom on large Plastic bag, at home I would put them in small plastic and sell them to my neighborhood. And I was very happy had do it. The sense was similar when I was became a palm fruit plucker but with different feeling. I did not need afraid of the security because this job totally save, because I did not scathe them only because of the decreasing the mushroom. But the risk was higher, because the wild animal, such as variety snakes, could approach me anytime.   

One morning I woke up early,  at the time my class started at afternoon, So I thought, I would go hunting mushroom and would sell  it on the way I went to school. Without clean my self first, without had breakfast, I took my plastic bag and went alone. I run because  I was worried other people would went before me, and I would got nothing. Fortunately nobody was there only me, and I was glad because the mushroom appeared so beautiful, round and big. I felt like I was in the heaven. I forgot about my frazzle, my weariness. I was just very happy there alone with plastic and my beautiful mushroom. One  moment I stood at I the pile and scratch the EFB's, I saw something dark and brown moved, I waited then a big and long snake come out and we saw each other. I can felt my heart rush very hard and I was tremble, and I know that my face turn to pale. Then I jump and run fast. I run straight without looking back, I ran as fast as a wind, because I think the snake would follow and would run as fast as me too, every bad scene came up in my head like a flash movie. The Snake would had bite me Und injected his poison in my blood, then I would had pain and slowly going to die, to avoid that bad scene I run more fast, till finally I saw my  home, and I was fully tired and I barely breathed, my Mom asked me what happen, and I told her everything. Then she calm me and asked me to take a bath, and advice me another time if I went to hunting mushroom again, I should told her so we could went together.